over the past week, i've had the opportunity to audition for a musical group in which two friends of mine were already involved. knowing firsthand the work this group does was enough to make me jump at the chance to be a part of it, not in the least because my own personal musical tastes align so well with their repertoire. as i began to receive the information regarding audition times, part of me was excited for such a natural fit coming my way; as usual, a larger part prepared myself for (in my mind) the inevitable rejection to come.
i performed reasonably well at each audition, and received kind phone calls from both of my friends, assuring me that the only issue raised about my vocal quality was that it was "too good".
part of me knew when they said they needed to "convince" the rest of the group to hold callbacks. part of me knew when "too good" was repeated to me in e-mails, phone calls, and facebook messages, ad infinitum.
the voicemail was gracious, respectful, and complimentary, in fact, well above the norm of kindness for those types of messages. while listening to it and smiling knowingly, it occurred to me that "too good" was just another way of saying "doesn't fit". and that's something with which i have more experience than i care to readily admit.
more and more frequently, i'm struck with the feeling that what i've been trained and prepared for is an occupation or skill that is neither consistent with my passions nor even existent in reality. i love musical theater, but have no dance background for the flashy numbers so frequent in most shows. i love acapella music, but have so much natural vibrato that it often overshadows my ability to cut it out and blend. i enjoy acoustic folk, pop, and jazz music, but don't have a voice with enough grit or emotional rawness to do the genres justice. even if opera was a bigger passion of mine, the roles which appeal to me don't fit either my vocal range or my vocal power.
the painful beauty of the voicemail was the group's expressed desire to keep up to date on my shows and performances and attend them. i was touched, and then whispered, "what performances?" you were to have been my performances. i have nothing 'other'.
in the end, auditions, like life, are not about being the best. auditions are about fitting in to some unforeseeable mold, which has always driven me crazy, and which i've never, ever been good at. "more than" can be just as worthy of dismissal as "not enough" when the only requirement is "fitting in".
please don't misread me; i'm not arguing against this formula...
...i just kinda suck at it. : )
Bull...oney. You are more than enough. You are an absolute gem of a soprano, a performer, and a human being. Anyone who can't see that is an oaf and a blockhead. They aren't just getting any old singer. They're getting CHRISTY.
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