1. Say, “I’m sorry.” Try variations, i.e. “I’m so, so sorry” or “Holy crap - - that really, really sucks”, but always go back to “I’m sorry” and always say it truthfully. And often.
2. Hold her. Even if she says she doesn’t want to be held. It usually means she needs to be held more. Do not rub her back or pet her hair or caress her face while holding her; she is not a cat, she is a human being. Be as strong and steady as is humanly possible. She needs something trustworthy to lean on, literally and metaphorically.
3. Enter the terrain of her passion. This does not mean you have to cry. But if she has been sobbing for a half-hour about the mean comment she overheard her co-worker make behind her back, a bland “Gosh, that stinks” just isn’t gonna cut it. Golden Rule #1 of comforting a woman: it’s not the problem that’s the problem. It’s how the problem makes her feel that’s the problem. If you’re not entering into her emotion at least a little bit, you don’t have any sort of handle on how or why this is bugging her.
4. If she needs to vent and starts doing so, agree with what she’s saying. She’s not asking for a philosophical debate or analysis of the situation, and even if she were, her emotional state is such that nothing in her wants to be forced to handle that right now. And don’t just nod. Form words, like “You are SO right” or “Wow, that’s incredibly true” or “That makes complete sense”.
5. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will do everything in your power to make it right. And then do it. Send her flowers at work to get her mind off her stupid boss. Make a phone call, fight a battle, defend her honor however it needs to be done.
6. Make her feel worthwhile. How you do this depends on the girl, but it could mean listing all the qualities that made you fall for her, helping her finish 3 weeks’ worth of laundry that’s been stressing her out, or promising her a special date at the end of the week – or all three, if you’re brilliant.
7. Let her know that you completely believe she is in the right and you are on her side. Be vehement. She may try to fight you on this and say she was too harsh/sensitive/emotional. Stand your ground, fight for her rawest emotion, and be her biggest supporter. There may be things you do not agree with; trust me - now is not the time to make this known. Find something to agree with, even if it’s just how hurt she is. If she’s been upset for an hour, you can’t really deny this has wounded her, right?
8. Show your utter disgust of “the bad guy”. Whoever your sweetie is fighting against is also anti-you because you are so pro-her it’s insane. So let her know how much you can’t stand him/her/chocolate tofu/it.
9. DON’T HESITATE. Any reluctance to comfort only says to her that you don’t think she’s worth comforting…or that the situation doesn’t warrant comforting, which makes her feel stupid for caring so much, which, again, makes her think you don’t think she’s worth comforting. Act. Even if your attempt comes up short, you’re gaining brownie points by being so concerned that you can’t help but do something.
10. Pray with her. She needs more than you can give. Knowing this; stooping to this level of humility and yet leadership, because you are beside her, guiding and encouraging her back into a conversation with her God, is the epitome of comfort.
