over the past week, i've had the opportunity to audition for a musical group in which two friends of mine were already involved. knowing firsthand the work this group does was enough to make me jump at the chance to be a part of it, not in the least because my own personal musical tastes align so well with their repertoire. as i began to receive the information regarding audition times, part of me was excited for such a natural fit coming my way; as usual, a larger part prepared myself for (in my mind) the inevitable rejection to come.
i performed reasonably well at each audition, and received kind phone calls from both of my friends, assuring me that the only issue raised about my vocal quality was that it was "too good".
part of me knew when they said they needed to "convince" the rest of the group to hold callbacks. part of me knew when "too good" was repeated to me in e-mails, phone calls, and facebook messages, ad infinitum.
the voicemail was gracious, respectful, and complimentary, in fact, well above the norm of kindness for those types of messages. while listening to it and smiling knowingly, it occurred to me that "too good" was just another way of saying "doesn't fit". and that's something with which i have more experience than i care to readily admit.
more and more frequently, i'm struck with the feeling that what i've been trained and prepared for is an occupation or skill that is neither consistent with my passions nor even existent in reality. i love musical theater, but have no dance background for the flashy numbers so frequent in most shows. i love acapella music, but have so much natural vibrato that it often overshadows my ability to cut it out and blend. i enjoy acoustic folk, pop, and jazz music, but don't have a voice with enough grit or emotional rawness to do the genres justice. even if opera was a bigger passion of mine, the roles which appeal to me don't fit either my vocal range or my vocal power.
the painful beauty of the voicemail was the group's expressed desire to keep up to date on my shows and performances and attend them. i was touched, and then whispered, "what performances?" you were to have been my performances. i have nothing 'other'.
in the end, auditions, like life, are not about being the best. auditions are about fitting in to some unforeseeable mold, which has always driven me crazy, and which i've never, ever been good at. "more than" can be just as worthy of dismissal as "not enough" when the only requirement is "fitting in".
please don't misread me; i'm not arguing against this formula...
...i just kinda suck at it. : )
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
in which i ask "whither 'why'?"
at a recent staff meeting, one of my co-workers announced the plan to order a full-color, twelve-foot long banner. this banner would display the title of our pastor's upcoming sermon series. my co-worker asked if it was okay to place said banner in a certain part of the church, others nodded in agreement, and he started to put away his file of papers diagraming the measurements and typography of the banner. i tentatively raised my arm.
"yes, Christy?"
"not to be impertinent, but....why?"
silence. "well....
...um...
...that's a good question."
while reading an article about two 'grammar vigilantes', embarking across the country, correcting typographical mistakes in business signage, i came across a word which can only be described (at least to the bibliophile) as delectable: quidnunc. the Strib (Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune) kindly defined it as "one who is curious to know everything that passes; one who knows, or pretends to know, all that is going on." a search on dictionary.com reveals slightly more negative connotations: a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip; a gossip or busybody. from the Latin, literally, "what now?"
this brings about an interesting distinction. as a naturally inquisitive person, i tend to place a high value on asking questions. however, although first endearing, only the most patient soul can endure a young child's endless why, maam? maam? why? why? mama? mommy? WHY?????!!??
thus the motive behind the question becomes of utmost importance. a child that continues an endless chain of 'why's almost certainly gets a bit of their gusto from the attention and exasperation of the adult. some questions are posed as a malicious entrapment (did God really say, 'you must not eat of any tree in the garden?' - Genesis 3:1). some just honestly want to understand.
me? i ask 'why?' because most people don't have an answer. i ask because most do before they purpose their action. most do because society condones it or tradition dictates it or the advertisements promise peace if you only x, y, z. and some do because they're told to. blind obedience to authority is easy. making waves only means you might get swept away by the a much more powerful (and, often angry) tide.
difficult questions energize my soul. unfortunately, answering them usually means trouble. but i believe it is humanity's duty to act with the utmost purpose, not to be "infants...blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming" (Ephesians 4:14) we will no longer be "tossed back and forth by the waves" if we are the ones creating them...forcing them upon the societal norms and rules that try to tell us how to live. what is the basis of these rules? tradition? history? and why are these our gods of choice? why is it appropriate, healthy, and right to build a life upon these dictates?
whither 'why'? for Truth's sake.
"yes, Christy?"
"not to be impertinent, but....why?"
silence. "well....
...um...
...that's a good question."
while reading an article about two 'grammar vigilantes', embarking across the country, correcting typographical mistakes in business signage, i came across a word which can only be described (at least to the bibliophile) as delectable: quidnunc. the Strib (Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune) kindly defined it as "one who is curious to know everything that passes; one who knows, or pretends to know, all that is going on." a search on dictionary.com reveals slightly more negative connotations: a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip; a gossip or busybody. from the Latin, literally, "what now?"
this brings about an interesting distinction. as a naturally inquisitive person, i tend to place a high value on asking questions. however, although first endearing, only the most patient soul can endure a young child's endless why, maam? maam? why? why? mama? mommy? WHY?????!!??
thus the motive behind the question becomes of utmost importance. a child that continues an endless chain of 'why's almost certainly gets a bit of their gusto from the attention and exasperation of the adult. some questions are posed as a malicious entrapment (did God really say, 'you must not eat of any tree in the garden?' - Genesis 3:1). some just honestly want to understand.
me? i ask 'why?' because most people don't have an answer. i ask because most do before they purpose their action. most do because society condones it or tradition dictates it or the advertisements promise peace if you only x, y, z. and some do because they're told to. blind obedience to authority is easy. making waves only means you might get swept away by the a much more powerful (and, often angry) tide.
difficult questions energize my soul. unfortunately, answering them usually means trouble. but i believe it is humanity's duty to act with the utmost purpose, not to be "infants...blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming" (Ephesians 4:14) we will no longer be "tossed back and forth by the waves" if we are the ones creating them...forcing them upon the societal norms and rules that try to tell us how to live. what is the basis of these rules? tradition? history? and why are these our gods of choice? why is it appropriate, healthy, and right to build a life upon these dictates?
whither 'why'? for Truth's sake.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
in which i introduce myself with multiple run-on sentences
it's a quiet saturday, 9 am. the sky is still trying to wake up and decide whether to be morose or chipper. i should probably be spending my 9/11 morning musing on freedom, american-muslim relations or the like, but, in my usual fashion, i've shirked the norm and decided instead to start a blog.
as of late, i've invented a precipice of life-changing deadlines for myself. a girl in her mid-twenties who has passion waiting to burst out of her like a capped toothpaste tube under pressure tends to shudder herself into emotional earthquakes when she doesn't know the source or goal of said passion - - just that it's there, it's *really* there...not at term yet, but growing, and holy cow i'd better get the nursery ready.
it's the age-old search for purpose: the solidly-paved freeway of elementary school subjects leading to the twisted suburban neighborhoods of high school electives leading to the rural gravel roads of college majors leading to the woods where, if you're lucky, there is not just a road less travelled, but any path at all.
i am not adept at carving my own way; hacking through foliage indiana-jones style with a keen sense of direction and a steady confidence in my own survival skills. i am good at following rules; making others feel at ease; obeying social norms with my necessary twist. but this is where i have found myself; hesitantly clipping leaves and tiptoeing through the forest with trepidation.
i understand generalities about this passion (henceforth referred to as 'the fire'). it drives me to build and make and understand, clarify, and tell. so...
welcome to my blog. i hope to comment on life as my curious self sees each odd detail, which will naturally involve a bit of self-reflection, but hopefully not a load of blatant ME ME ME, because it is not about that..."it" being the larger story in which all of humanity is cast, but in which few take leading roles. that's the story i want to tell...through my life, and through this part of it called my blog. and hopefully, through it all, the Author will become dazzlingly clear and brilliantly real, as much for me as anyone.
as of late, i've invented a precipice of life-changing deadlines for myself. a girl in her mid-twenties who has passion waiting to burst out of her like a capped toothpaste tube under pressure tends to shudder herself into emotional earthquakes when she doesn't know the source or goal of said passion - - just that it's there, it's *really* there...not at term yet, but growing, and holy cow i'd better get the nursery ready.
it's the age-old search for purpose: the solidly-paved freeway of elementary school subjects leading to the twisted suburban neighborhoods of high school electives leading to the rural gravel roads of college majors leading to the woods where, if you're lucky, there is not just a road less travelled, but any path at all.
i am not adept at carving my own way; hacking through foliage indiana-jones style with a keen sense of direction and a steady confidence in my own survival skills. i am good at following rules; making others feel at ease; obeying social norms with my necessary twist. but this is where i have found myself; hesitantly clipping leaves and tiptoeing through the forest with trepidation.
i understand generalities about this passion (henceforth referred to as 'the fire'). it drives me to build and make and understand, clarify, and tell. so...
welcome to my blog. i hope to comment on life as my curious self sees each odd detail, which will naturally involve a bit of self-reflection, but hopefully not a load of blatant ME ME ME, because it is not about that..."it" being the larger story in which all of humanity is cast, but in which few take leading roles. that's the story i want to tell...through my life, and through this part of it called my blog. and hopefully, through it all, the Author will become dazzlingly clear and brilliantly real, as much for me as anyone.
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